Leaving the "comfort" of this crazy life!

Finishing this treatment has been a really interesting experience. I know it seems funny to say that it is some kind of "comfort" but this has been my life for the last 4 months. Every Monday I did something that had to do with cancer. Either it was chemo or getting my blood taken to check my white count. I am SO happy that this is over, but it's sobering in a way. I feel like I am getting thrown back into a world that I don't really remember. What is life without cancer? What do I do on Mondays? How do I be a full-time mom again? It has been such a long time since I have not really had anything to do with this disease that I am not sure I will know how to handle it. I am having a hard time thinking that it is all gone. I have not really had a thought about the cancer coming back until the chemo was over. For the last 4 month there was something continually fighting it but now my body is on its own. My prognosis is really good but it is still something that is in the back of my mind. 6 months ago i never thought about my health, but now I have to fight the urge to think every pain I have is the cancer coming back in another location. I know that God has me covered. He has brought me through the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I know he will bring me through my fears of re-occurrence. I also get to start growing hair again. Everyone tells me it could come back curly or a different color. I am hoping to become a curly blond. :-)
So, I have one more hurtle with this breast cancer journey. I will schedule my final reconstruction surgery next week. I will let you know when that will be when I find out, and I will ask for your prayers once again. It is outpatient so it should not be as bad as the first one. I am just excited at the thought of having the surgery, healing and moving on with my life. This has been a long exhausting journey and I cant wait to write that it has come to a end. The healing process -- mentally and physically -- will continue for many months, but the strength that I have gained in the past six months is something I couldn't have imagined. The relationship with my family has been brought up to another level. The love and support from my husband is something you usually only see in movies. He has been there at every chemo, every joint pain and every nauseous day. He has given up sleep, food and, let's be honest, sanity to deal with all of this. I think he might have gotten a little grayer in the last 6 months. :-) And Ian, Oh Ian. He has been wonderful. He has not had his mommy at 100% in so long, but he has taken it like a champ. Being shuffled around from person to person, not knowing who was going to get him that day (but having an amazing time with all his friends). God has blessed me with the most amazing friends and family. Thank you all who have been my chemo support team. I could not have done this without you. God has been my rock but you all have been my support. I will soon move on with my life after breast cancer. Every day I will be further away from this. I will not forget, but as time goes on it will move from the front of mind to the back. I have gone from a cancer patient to a cancer survivor. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

New Plans

Merry Christmas.I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.
One left, One left. I cant believe it. I didnt think i would ever be at the end but here i am 2 weeks out from being done and could not be happier. I will start to grow hair in about a month. :-)
I have not written since i have started my new treatment and let me tell you it has been SOO much easier. It was almost a disaster though. I went into my first chemo of my new drug still thinking I only had 4 treatments left and was obviously excited to be halfway done. The chemo nurse came in and started telling me about the new drug and said, "so you will have a treatment every week for 12 weeks." I said, "excuse me?" as my eyes are starting to well up. She told me that is how the taxatier is administered. So at this point I am starting to cry. I walked in thinking I only had 4 treatments left and now they are telling me I have 12. I am freaking out. My nurse went and talked to my oncologist. I was not sure what was going to happen but God stepped in again.  My oncologist said we can change the drug a little bit and I could get Taxol instead of taxatier. Taxol is given every 2 weeks for 4 treatments so I am back on track. Praise the Lord!! The drug is almost the same. There is more of a chance of being allergic to it but I was not so it will be just as affective as the taxatier which was originally prescribed. The only thing about this one is, it is a 3 hour drip so I am at chemo for 4 hours. I will take 4 hours 4 times over 1 hour 12 times any day.
This side effects of this drug are a lot easier. I have been dealing with some joint pain and finger sensitivity. I am really exhausted but other than that it has not been so bad. I have also been having problems with fevers. I have had 3 since i started this drug. I even ended up in the hospital for 3 days with no diagnosis. They could not figure out what was wrong so the fever broke and I went home. I am hoping that does not happen again before I am done. It really stunk.
Emotionally it has been ok. It is really funny but I still feel like I am in shock that this is even happening. It has been so long that this has been going on and i still look in the mirror and am reminded that I have cancer. I see so many of my friends getting pregnant with their second babies and I have to say I am a little jealous.  I cant even think about another baby for over 5 years. Dont get me wrong, I have the best son in the world but looking back at 6 months ago, I thought i would be in a completely different place than I am now. So now we make new plans. Not only in the growth of our family but in everything we do. How we live our life and how we handle the everyday.  All we can hope for is that we see God clearly and trust him that in all the decisions we make we are listening to his voice.  We walk everyday knowing that God is in control. I know God has a plan for us and I know that he will guide us in whatever he has for us. 
Jeremiah 29:11   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trading

I'm trading my sorrow
Im trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I am pressed but not crushed
persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse for
His promise will endured
And His joys gonna be my strength

For the sorrow will last for the night
but His joy comes with morning

One last "red devil"

So tomorrow is my last chemo of adriamycin and cytoxan. I am very excited that this is the last one of these. The adremycyn is what is called the "red devil". It is the one that makes me really sick and also the one that made me lose my hair. So good riddance to you. I am glad you will be out of my life.  I have been tempted to skip this one tomorrow though, but when i mention it to Chuck he gives me some statistics on how it has been proven that it is more effective if , blah, blah, blah,. and I say, "fine, fine, I will go." :-) All my nurses and doctors tell me that the next 4 treatments should be a lot easier. I hope that is true. Unlike this one, the Taxotere they say is not a nausea drug. This one is flashing joint pain. Hmmm, I think I will be able to handle that better than nausea, but we will see.

This last round of chemo was not great. I feel like I should know what to expect by now, but I also need to remember that I have only had 3, and every one was different. So I was ok on Monday and Tuesday, but when Wednesday came I really started to feel gross. The dry mouth was really bad, I had mouth sores and just a constant state of ick. I really didn’t feel like myself until Thursday of my off week., which stinks cause now I have chemo on Monday. But, it is Thanksgiving week and I need to be thankful. I need to be thankful for these chemo drugs, cause without them I don’t know how many more Thanksgivings I would be able to be here for. You never really realize how much you have to be thankful for until you go through something like this. God has really shown me in this time that I have SO much to be thankful for. My husband, son, family, friends, home, health insurance. I could be here all day naming everything that God has blessed us with. I want to come out of this a better person. A more thankful and humble person. Sometimes I feel like I complain too much about what is going on when I should just be thanking God that this is only 8 treatments and that is it. There are people who go through this for years and I only have to do this for 16 weeks. I am blessed. I am thankful that God is not finished with me yet. 

Who needs hair? I DO.

I think this is a little weirder than I thought it was going to be. I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking, "why did this girl shave her head?" I know it is all in my head but it is really annoying to always feel like someone is looking at you.
I decided to shave my head because it was coming out in clumps. I dont think I touched or washed it for like 3 days to avoid the inevitable. I know that is gross but it still looked fine in a ponytail. So thursday was the day. It was about time. I thought it would be good to have Ian there to see mommy getting her haircut and not just walk out looking like daddy :-)  I thought it might be traumatic for him. He didn't care. He got into my bathtub, turned on the water and decided to play in there with 2 bars of soap. Oh and did I mention he still had his clothes on.  He asked for all his sea animals so we got those for him. He had the best time while I am sitting in the chair taking a scissor to my hair getting ready to shave it all off. And there it went. It is gone. Just like that. It didnt look as bad as I thought it would. I know people have said it but I did feel a little like GI Jane. Looking at myself in the mirror in a sports bra really made me feel tough. I had the control over my hair and that meant a lot to me. I like my hats, I don't have a weird head, I can do this. Or can I? I forgot this is not how it is going to stay. It is still falling out and now i just have bald spots. The right side of my head looks so weird right now because that is the side I sleep on mostly. So back to the chair and off it ALL came. I cried really hard this time. I didnt want Chuck to touch it. This time it was real. Not a cute haircut but a bald cancer patient. I kind of feel like a shell of the woman that I once was and the woman Chuck married. But he is amazing. He makes me feel beautiful. I dont want him to look at me and he looks at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. There is no difference in his eyes from the day we got married. I have to remember I am doing this for him. I am doing this for Ian, and if they dont care what I look like then why should I. SO here I sit, bald, scarred, sick but on my way to health. On my way to life. It has even been hard to talk to God but I know He is there. I know that He is still whispering in my ear even when I am screaming in His face. I will trust Him. I will fight the urge to give up, because I know that He has more for me than being just a bald girl with breast cancer.

Thank you Ativan

Whew!  If this medicine keeps working I think I can actually do this.
So yesterday was Chemo and as you can imagine I really didnt want to go. I tried to call in sick but Chuck obviously would not let me. So in I went with a better attitude than the first and just tried to joke around and get through it. It started with "oh the dreaded port." But to my surprise ( and the fact that Chuck still had feeling in his hand after) it didnt hurt. It was not fun by any means but I think I can handle the insertion of the needle if it continues to feel like that. After it was in they drew the blood they needed to check and make sure my body was ready for round 2 and yes it was so here we go. ROUND 2. We talked to the nurse and let her know how round 1 went and I explained how much it sucked. I was SO sick the first day and slowly got better the next few but they were not great. She said "well that would not do." So she said let me talk to the oncologist and see what he says about another drug. So she gave me this drug Ativan, and it has been a miracle. I went home, took 1/2 of it and went to sleep. I thought i was going to wake up and be disgustingly nauseous, BUT I DID'T. And I have not felt nauseous since. It makes me really tired but I can take that over being sick any day. So it is tuesday at 4:52 and I am still not nauseous and have been able to eat pretty normal to. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
Sleep has also been getting so much better. The more I heal from my surgery, the better I sleep. That has been such a blessing so thank you all for praying.
On a yuckier note. My hair is starting to fall out. :-( I dont know what I thought (maybe I would be the exception to the rule and my hair would stay put), but unfornutatly I am not that person. I started noticing it in the shower when there was a lot more in my hand than usual. I have been keeping it in a pony tail to avoid touching it and keeping it there for as long as possible but I think this is all unavoidable. It is time to shave it. This is hitting me a little harder than I thought it would. Through this whole process I have been thinking " it is just hair, it will grow back". That was easier to say when it wasnt falling out but now I am getting really emotional about it. I am having a hard time thinking I am going to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. I feel like the hair on my head is easier than those. They make your face and I dont want to look funny. But it is what it is and just another bump in the road to complete health. So I will probably shave it in the the next day or so and we are thinking that we will have Ian involved so he does not get scared of mommy with no hair. I dont want him to get freaked out the first time he sees me so if he is there watching what is happeneing maybe he will be ok with it. This is going to be so weird. I hope I have a cute head. :-)

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At least I know it wont last for 2 weeks

Sorry I have not posted for a while but I am still alive and doing well :-)
I think the last day I wrote was tuesday and  I was still feeling pretty bad. Each day got better. I still was not able to do much because i was nauseous and really worn out but definitely got better.Sleep has been a constant issue so if you are praying, please pray for that. I am not a back sleeper but with the surgery that has been really the only postion my body has allowed me to be in. I just started being able to sleep on my side again so that has helped but it is not the greatest.  I long for a good night sleep. I know I will be there soon. On monday I went and got my blood taken so they could check my white blood count. I was really scared to go because that meant she would have to stab me in my port again and I have not forgotten how that felt. When I got there ( with my friend Jodi holding my hand) I told Julie (the chemo nurse) that I was scared that it was going to hurt again and she said she could take it out of my arm if i wanted. I never thought i would be relieved to hear that sticking me in the arm was the better option. She even used a butterfly needle which is a smaller one so it hurt a lot less. I should be used to all the needles by now but sorry I still need a moment to gather myself before it goes in.  So depending on how it feels on Monday when I have chemo again I might just do this instead of the port on the off weeks. It is one less thing that I feel like I have to worry about.
 On Friday night after chemo I actually got showered and we took Ian to the Balloon Festival here in Winchester. It was a little sad because they didnt blow up the hot air balloons because it was too windy but Ian had a great time jumping on the hay maze, making crafts and picking out a gourd. It was great to be out with my family.  Brandon and Lauren came out to visit and we watched the Yankee game.
On saturday we got out again. We all took Ian to Marker Miller Orchard and went apple picking in the morning. It was a lot of fun. He loves picking apples. It is amazing what i feel like I have missed last week. I really think his vocabulary has doubled since chemo started. I think it is because he was hanging out with my sister-in-law all week.
So Alissa left and I was on my own for the first time in a month. It was really weird to be in my house with no one else around. I think it was a little hard for Ian too. He had constant company and it went to just mommy in the time it took him to wake up from his nap. He was not happy when he woke up. Looking for Alissa, Will and Josh made him very sad. It made me sad too that I was no longer enough for him. He cried for about a half hour. We went downstairs, watched some Finding Nemo and I think that got him back to normal. That has kind of been the routine for him for the last few weeks. After nap he would come and hang out with me and watch some TV. He has been fine and happy with mommy and daddy ever since. :-)
This week has been amazing.  It was the first time since surgery that I didnt feel like a cancer patient. It was so normal. I wake up when Ian starts yelling for apple juice, get him out of bed, feed him breakfast and go on with my day like nothing ever happened. Cook dinner, straighten up the house, put on a load of laundry. Who would have thought i would be able to do this 4 weeks after surgery. I feel blessed to have this week between chemo. I know it will make it easier to get through this knowing that even though there is a week of pain, it is quickly followed by a week of comfort.