One last "red devil"

So tomorrow is my last chemo of adriamycin and cytoxan. I am very excited that this is the last one of these. The adremycyn is what is called the "red devil". It is the one that makes me really sick and also the one that made me lose my hair. So good riddance to you. I am glad you will be out of my life.  I have been tempted to skip this one tomorrow though, but when i mention it to Chuck he gives me some statistics on how it has been proven that it is more effective if , blah, blah, blah,. and I say, "fine, fine, I will go." :-) All my nurses and doctors tell me that the next 4 treatments should be a lot easier. I hope that is true. Unlike this one, the Taxotere they say is not a nausea drug. This one is flashing joint pain. Hmmm, I think I will be able to handle that better than nausea, but we will see.

This last round of chemo was not great. I feel like I should know what to expect by now, but I also need to remember that I have only had 3, and every one was different. So I was ok on Monday and Tuesday, but when Wednesday came I really started to feel gross. The dry mouth was really bad, I had mouth sores and just a constant state of ick. I really didn’t feel like myself until Thursday of my off week., which stinks cause now I have chemo on Monday. But, it is Thanksgiving week and I need to be thankful. I need to be thankful for these chemo drugs, cause without them I don’t know how many more Thanksgivings I would be able to be here for. You never really realize how much you have to be thankful for until you go through something like this. God has really shown me in this time that I have SO much to be thankful for. My husband, son, family, friends, home, health insurance. I could be here all day naming everything that God has blessed us with. I want to come out of this a better person. A more thankful and humble person. Sometimes I feel like I complain too much about what is going on when I should just be thanking God that this is only 8 treatments and that is it. There are people who go through this for years and I only have to do this for 16 weeks. I am blessed. I am thankful that God is not finished with me yet. 

Who needs hair? I DO.

I think this is a little weirder than I thought it was going to be. I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking, "why did this girl shave her head?" I know it is all in my head but it is really annoying to always feel like someone is looking at you.
I decided to shave my head because it was coming out in clumps. I dont think I touched or washed it for like 3 days to avoid the inevitable. I know that is gross but it still looked fine in a ponytail. So thursday was the day. It was about time. I thought it would be good to have Ian there to see mommy getting her haircut and not just walk out looking like daddy :-)  I thought it might be traumatic for him. He didn't care. He got into my bathtub, turned on the water and decided to play in there with 2 bars of soap. Oh and did I mention he still had his clothes on.  He asked for all his sea animals so we got those for him. He had the best time while I am sitting in the chair taking a scissor to my hair getting ready to shave it all off. And there it went. It is gone. Just like that. It didnt look as bad as I thought it would. I know people have said it but I did feel a little like GI Jane. Looking at myself in the mirror in a sports bra really made me feel tough. I had the control over my hair and that meant a lot to me. I like my hats, I don't have a weird head, I can do this. Or can I? I forgot this is not how it is going to stay. It is still falling out and now i just have bald spots. The right side of my head looks so weird right now because that is the side I sleep on mostly. So back to the chair and off it ALL came. I cried really hard this time. I didnt want Chuck to touch it. This time it was real. Not a cute haircut but a bald cancer patient. I kind of feel like a shell of the woman that I once was and the woman Chuck married. But he is amazing. He makes me feel beautiful. I dont want him to look at me and he looks at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. There is no difference in his eyes from the day we got married. I have to remember I am doing this for him. I am doing this for Ian, and if they dont care what I look like then why should I. SO here I sit, bald, scarred, sick but on my way to health. On my way to life. It has even been hard to talk to God but I know He is there. I know that He is still whispering in my ear even when I am screaming in His face. I will trust Him. I will fight the urge to give up, because I know that He has more for me than being just a bald girl with breast cancer.