Trading

I'm trading my sorrow
Im trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I am pressed but not crushed
persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse for
His promise will endured
And His joys gonna be my strength

For the sorrow will last for the night
but His joy comes with morning

One last "red devil"

So tomorrow is my last chemo of adriamycin and cytoxan. I am very excited that this is the last one of these. The adremycyn is what is called the "red devil". It is the one that makes me really sick and also the one that made me lose my hair. So good riddance to you. I am glad you will be out of my life.  I have been tempted to skip this one tomorrow though, but when i mention it to Chuck he gives me some statistics on how it has been proven that it is more effective if , blah, blah, blah,. and I say, "fine, fine, I will go." :-) All my nurses and doctors tell me that the next 4 treatments should be a lot easier. I hope that is true. Unlike this one, the Taxotere they say is not a nausea drug. This one is flashing joint pain. Hmmm, I think I will be able to handle that better than nausea, but we will see.

This last round of chemo was not great. I feel like I should know what to expect by now, but I also need to remember that I have only had 3, and every one was different. So I was ok on Monday and Tuesday, but when Wednesday came I really started to feel gross. The dry mouth was really bad, I had mouth sores and just a constant state of ick. I really didn’t feel like myself until Thursday of my off week., which stinks cause now I have chemo on Monday. But, it is Thanksgiving week and I need to be thankful. I need to be thankful for these chemo drugs, cause without them I don’t know how many more Thanksgivings I would be able to be here for. You never really realize how much you have to be thankful for until you go through something like this. God has really shown me in this time that I have SO much to be thankful for. My husband, son, family, friends, home, health insurance. I could be here all day naming everything that God has blessed us with. I want to come out of this a better person. A more thankful and humble person. Sometimes I feel like I complain too much about what is going on when I should just be thanking God that this is only 8 treatments and that is it. There are people who go through this for years and I only have to do this for 16 weeks. I am blessed. I am thankful that God is not finished with me yet. 

Who needs hair? I DO.

I think this is a little weirder than I thought it was going to be. I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking, "why did this girl shave her head?" I know it is all in my head but it is really annoying to always feel like someone is looking at you.
I decided to shave my head because it was coming out in clumps. I dont think I touched or washed it for like 3 days to avoid the inevitable. I know that is gross but it still looked fine in a ponytail. So thursday was the day. It was about time. I thought it would be good to have Ian there to see mommy getting her haircut and not just walk out looking like daddy :-)  I thought it might be traumatic for him. He didn't care. He got into my bathtub, turned on the water and decided to play in there with 2 bars of soap. Oh and did I mention he still had his clothes on.  He asked for all his sea animals so we got those for him. He had the best time while I am sitting in the chair taking a scissor to my hair getting ready to shave it all off. And there it went. It is gone. Just like that. It didnt look as bad as I thought it would. I know people have said it but I did feel a little like GI Jane. Looking at myself in the mirror in a sports bra really made me feel tough. I had the control over my hair and that meant a lot to me. I like my hats, I don't have a weird head, I can do this. Or can I? I forgot this is not how it is going to stay. It is still falling out and now i just have bald spots. The right side of my head looks so weird right now because that is the side I sleep on mostly. So back to the chair and off it ALL came. I cried really hard this time. I didnt want Chuck to touch it. This time it was real. Not a cute haircut but a bald cancer patient. I kind of feel like a shell of the woman that I once was and the woman Chuck married. But he is amazing. He makes me feel beautiful. I dont want him to look at me and he looks at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. There is no difference in his eyes from the day we got married. I have to remember I am doing this for him. I am doing this for Ian, and if they dont care what I look like then why should I. SO here I sit, bald, scarred, sick but on my way to health. On my way to life. It has even been hard to talk to God but I know He is there. I know that He is still whispering in my ear even when I am screaming in His face. I will trust Him. I will fight the urge to give up, because I know that He has more for me than being just a bald girl with breast cancer.

Thank you Ativan

Whew!  If this medicine keeps working I think I can actually do this.
So yesterday was Chemo and as you can imagine I really didnt want to go. I tried to call in sick but Chuck obviously would not let me. So in I went with a better attitude than the first and just tried to joke around and get through it. It started with "oh the dreaded port." But to my surprise ( and the fact that Chuck still had feeling in his hand after) it didnt hurt. It was not fun by any means but I think I can handle the insertion of the needle if it continues to feel like that. After it was in they drew the blood they needed to check and make sure my body was ready for round 2 and yes it was so here we go. ROUND 2. We talked to the nurse and let her know how round 1 went and I explained how much it sucked. I was SO sick the first day and slowly got better the next few but they were not great. She said "well that would not do." So she said let me talk to the oncologist and see what he says about another drug. So she gave me this drug Ativan, and it has been a miracle. I went home, took 1/2 of it and went to sleep. I thought i was going to wake up and be disgustingly nauseous, BUT I DID'T. And I have not felt nauseous since. It makes me really tired but I can take that over being sick any day. So it is tuesday at 4:52 and I am still not nauseous and have been able to eat pretty normal to. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
Sleep has also been getting so much better. The more I heal from my surgery, the better I sleep. That has been such a blessing so thank you all for praying.
On a yuckier note. My hair is starting to fall out. :-( I dont know what I thought (maybe I would be the exception to the rule and my hair would stay put), but unfornutatly I am not that person. I started noticing it in the shower when there was a lot more in my hand than usual. I have been keeping it in a pony tail to avoid touching it and keeping it there for as long as possible but I think this is all unavoidable. It is time to shave it. This is hitting me a little harder than I thought it would. Through this whole process I have been thinking " it is just hair, it will grow back". That was easier to say when it wasnt falling out but now I am getting really emotional about it. I am having a hard time thinking I am going to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. I feel like the hair on my head is easier than those. They make your face and I dont want to look funny. But it is what it is and just another bump in the road to complete health. So I will probably shave it in the the next day or so and we are thinking that we will have Ian involved so he does not get scared of mommy with no hair. I dont want him to get freaked out the first time he sees me so if he is there watching what is happeneing maybe he will be ok with it. This is going to be so weird. I hope I have a cute head. :-)

P.S. If you are friend on Facebook you can follow my blog on there and it will give you an update when I have a new post.

At least I know it wont last for 2 weeks

Sorry I have not posted for a while but I am still alive and doing well :-)
I think the last day I wrote was tuesday and  I was still feeling pretty bad. Each day got better. I still was not able to do much because i was nauseous and really worn out but definitely got better.Sleep has been a constant issue so if you are praying, please pray for that. I am not a back sleeper but with the surgery that has been really the only postion my body has allowed me to be in. I just started being able to sleep on my side again so that has helped but it is not the greatest.  I long for a good night sleep. I know I will be there soon. On monday I went and got my blood taken so they could check my white blood count. I was really scared to go because that meant she would have to stab me in my port again and I have not forgotten how that felt. When I got there ( with my friend Jodi holding my hand) I told Julie (the chemo nurse) that I was scared that it was going to hurt again and she said she could take it out of my arm if i wanted. I never thought i would be relieved to hear that sticking me in the arm was the better option. She even used a butterfly needle which is a smaller one so it hurt a lot less. I should be used to all the needles by now but sorry I still need a moment to gather myself before it goes in.  So depending on how it feels on Monday when I have chemo again I might just do this instead of the port on the off weeks. It is one less thing that I feel like I have to worry about.
 On Friday night after chemo I actually got showered and we took Ian to the Balloon Festival here in Winchester. It was a little sad because they didnt blow up the hot air balloons because it was too windy but Ian had a great time jumping on the hay maze, making crafts and picking out a gourd. It was great to be out with my family.  Brandon and Lauren came out to visit and we watched the Yankee game.
On saturday we got out again. We all took Ian to Marker Miller Orchard and went apple picking in the morning. It was a lot of fun. He loves picking apples. It is amazing what i feel like I have missed last week. I really think his vocabulary has doubled since chemo started. I think it is because he was hanging out with my sister-in-law all week.
So Alissa left and I was on my own for the first time in a month. It was really weird to be in my house with no one else around. I think it was a little hard for Ian too. He had constant company and it went to just mommy in the time it took him to wake up from his nap. He was not happy when he woke up. Looking for Alissa, Will and Josh made him very sad. It made me sad too that I was no longer enough for him. He cried for about a half hour. We went downstairs, watched some Finding Nemo and I think that got him back to normal. That has kind of been the routine for him for the last few weeks. After nap he would come and hang out with me and watch some TV. He has been fine and happy with mommy and daddy ever since. :-)
This week has been amazing.  It was the first time since surgery that I didnt feel like a cancer patient. It was so normal. I wake up when Ian starts yelling for apple juice, get him out of bed, feed him breakfast and go on with my day like nothing ever happened. Cook dinner, straighten up the house, put on a load of laundry. Who would have thought i would be able to do this 4 weeks after surgery. I feel blessed to have this week between chemo. I know it will make it easier to get through this knowing that even though there is a week of pain, it is quickly followed by a week of comfort.

1 down, 7 to go. But boy did that suck!!

Well that was a quite a doozy. It started when just walking in the "chemo room" made my eyes well up. I started crying before the nurse even did anything. It was just that it really became real that it was not over yet. I cant believe it is not over yet. I have another 6 months of poking, prodding, pain, nausia and hair loss.
So i sucked it up and took a deep breath and the lovely nurse stabbed me in my 3 day old port. Boy did that hurt. The actual injection of the medicine was not bad and didnt make me feel bad. I was fine for about 3 hours after, just a little tired. So I took a nap, and when I woke up the nausia hit. I couldnt really talk at all or I thought I would be sick, but luckily I did not. Praise the Lord. That is what I fear the most. I can handle the nausia but the vomiting would really suck.
So today has been ok. Still not feeling great but a lot better than yesterday. I was able to eat a bit. I also had to go into the doctor again to get a shot that is supposed to bring up my white blood cell count. That was not fun but not terrible. Chuck is going to get to give it to me from now on to save a trip to the doctor. Lucky him :-) I got to hang out with Ian today. We watched some Finding Nemo. He played blocks in the room where I am, and danced around. It was a lot of fun to see him just being himself, not being damaged at all by this experience. He is so wonderful. He has really been amazing. Just loving on me and just being the best boy out there.
On an up note, God has really been talking to me. In between my tears he has just been telling me that He is here and holding me in His hand through all of this. I still am not sure what He has in store for me or why this is our journey to go through, but I know that there is a reason. If I dont know what it is in this lifetime, I will know that there IS a reason and my God had this in His plan from the beginning.
No doctors tomorrow which is great. Keep me in your prayers. I would like to wake up tomorrow feeling like me again. Get out of bed, maybe even get outside and do more than nothing.  So tomorrow is another day. Another day to live and be with my family. If i can rememeber that through this whole process, we will come out of this so much stronger than we ever thought we could be.

The first day of a new journey

So, this is the first blog i have ever written but i think it is important to share our story, keep our family and friends updated and also to be an outlet for me to share my thoughts and feelings. This might be really hard for me. I am going through something that i have never gone through before and I am still in a state of shock that this is actually happening. I often have a problem coming to terms with reality, and something like this really throws me for  a loop. I am not sure if i will be able to completely express my feelings but I am going to try. If this touches one life of someone who is going through this it is all worth it. God has already shown himself to us so amazingly and we know he has a plan for this and we are looking forward to seeing how God works in this. I have called my blog "Small Potatoes" because this is just a bump in the road for us. The verse that inspired this name just really shows us all that we go through in life is nothing compared to the eternal value. So we will not give up. We will look to the future and know that we will come through walking hand in hand with our Lord.

So tomorrow will be 3 weeks since my surgery and i cant believe it. It is one of those things that have gone so fast but you can't believe it has only been such a short period of time. It is hard to remember my life without cancer right now. I find it hard to remember when it was just me and Ian all day with the same things going on everyday. We would go to the park, play puzzles, play outside or go to the store. I would cook dinner, Chuck would wake up, we'd eat dinner, put Ian to bed, then snuggle on the couch with Chuck until he went to work. That was our day. And I loved it. Since the news my days are filled with cancer related stuff. Doctors appointments, surgeries and even just always talking about it. It is hard to think about my life again just being normal. My mother-in-law said this is the "new normal" in our lives. It sucks to think about, but it is really true. I can't wait to go back to the "old normal".  I am living my life so differently than i did 2 months ago.
I start chemo tomorrow. I will be having 8 treatments in 16 weeks.  The anticipation and the unknown is the scariest part of this whole thing. I dont know how I am going to react to it and how I am going to feel. I am just ready to get through at least the first treatment so I know what to expect. I hope all the nausia medicine that they are pumping me with really work. My worst fear is to be sick for 16 weeks. So my prayer this week is for me to not feel to crappy. Pray that I will be that exception with very light side effects. Thank everyone already for all the support through another new road that we are traveling. I will keep you all posted on how this goes. Thanks for reading.

P.S. This is just a rough draft on the blog design. I will hopefully be updating and redesigning it soon. :-)