Who needs hair? I DO.

I think this is a little weirder than I thought it was going to be. I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking, "why did this girl shave her head?" I know it is all in my head but it is really annoying to always feel like someone is looking at you.
I decided to shave my head because it was coming out in clumps. I dont think I touched or washed it for like 3 days to avoid the inevitable. I know that is gross but it still looked fine in a ponytail. So thursday was the day. It was about time. I thought it would be good to have Ian there to see mommy getting her haircut and not just walk out looking like daddy :-)  I thought it might be traumatic for him. He didn't care. He got into my bathtub, turned on the water and decided to play in there with 2 bars of soap. Oh and did I mention he still had his clothes on.  He asked for all his sea animals so we got those for him. He had the best time while I am sitting in the chair taking a scissor to my hair getting ready to shave it all off. And there it went. It is gone. Just like that. It didnt look as bad as I thought it would. I know people have said it but I did feel a little like GI Jane. Looking at myself in the mirror in a sports bra really made me feel tough. I had the control over my hair and that meant a lot to me. I like my hats, I don't have a weird head, I can do this. Or can I? I forgot this is not how it is going to stay. It is still falling out and now i just have bald spots. The right side of my head looks so weird right now because that is the side I sleep on mostly. So back to the chair and off it ALL came. I cried really hard this time. I didnt want Chuck to touch it. This time it was real. Not a cute haircut but a bald cancer patient. I kind of feel like a shell of the woman that I once was and the woman Chuck married. But he is amazing. He makes me feel beautiful. I dont want him to look at me and he looks at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. There is no difference in his eyes from the day we got married. I have to remember I am doing this for him. I am doing this for Ian, and if they dont care what I look like then why should I. SO here I sit, bald, scarred, sick but on my way to health. On my way to life. It has even been hard to talk to God but I know He is there. I know that He is still whispering in my ear even when I am screaming in His face. I will trust Him. I will fight the urge to give up, because I know that He has more for me than being just a bald girl with breast cancer.